So I put a nappy on a bear.

This is the first of what will be either a short lived mistaken attempt at blogging or an until-I-get-bored foray into my thougts on impending fatherhood.

For the record:

39

Straight

Married

English (with a touch of Scandinavian heritage)

I live in an asian city and work as a ….hang on, this is where my identity gets stolen and my credit card is used to fund terrorism or Korean teenagers weekend spending….I’ll leave it there.

So what am I going to blog about? Not my feelings. Fuck no. Why would you want to read that? Am I happy to be an expectant dad – fuck yes. Do I need to tell you how I feel about it in long winded paragraphs referring to my own traumatic childhood (it wasn’t actually – working class, home counties near London – bit of petty crime, that’s about it – hardly the wrong side of the tracks) – no!

I’m gunna blog about what we all want to know. The nitty gritty. So here’s the start – I just put a nappy on a bear.

His majesty is due in two months so the later planning stages are a go. We weren’t sure what kind of nappy to get. There’s the environmental issues if you use disposables forever but the whole terry cloth insanity and new age vegan mothers clutching small infantts with shit sliding down their legs because the ‘locally sourced’ item covering their child’s arse might as well have been a flour tortilla fills me with dread. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind shit, but an unnecessary amount of it on granny’s couch is not an easy life going to make.

So where to go – we went with a ‘Nappy system’ – yes lads, it sounds intensely technical and frankly in parts it is. It involved either a two or a three part nappy. An outer to hold everything together, an absorbent pad you can detach and wash – a lot – and an internal paper liner which is thrown away once junior has taken another giant dump on movie night.

These multicoloured arse strappings look terrifying to start. So what do we do if we don’t know how something works – yes the answer is read the instructions if you are mum – no – what we do is try it out. Without a squealing infant to torture and a wife who was not impressed with the phrase ‘kind of sexy’ it turned out the next in line for modelling junior’s shit retainers was our erstwhile travelling companion – H. The baby sized teddy bear took it in his stride and after a few minutes of working out which poppers go where – and how the nappies can be reduced in size for an elf child – I’m over two metres tall so we’re going for troll – the furry baby was ready to show off to the world.

So the purpose of the entry?

  1. There’s more nappy types than I or you ever imagined
  2. Trying them out on a bear gives you a good idea how they work
  3. Shaking the bear, playing death metal and occasionally spitting unidentifiable fluids into your wife’s face is a good approximation – so I’m led to believe – of the real thing.

 

Laters,

B

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