The shit class

I got to go to a class today. Jesus.

I think these sorts of classes are not directed at people who have never read a book or generally decided to look up what a baby is.

Baby: noun; def: A shitting, eating noise making gremlin

There seemed real shock on some faces when told about the shit. Lots of shit. There was even a slide for the shit and a discussion of shit. But they used the word poo. It’s not poo, its fucking shit. We will all be covered in shit for the next three years. Up to the elbows. Shit everywhere!

I had no idea. There’s the first shit – the mighty meconium. This is the oil spill of shits as the baby purges his system of a thick black tar like substance that seems to have been the inspiration for the weird black goo Ridley Scott now uses as his McGuffin in the increasingly bizarre alien movies.

There’s the custard shit, a bright yellow smear of joy, the curry shit, which surprisingly looks exactly like someone has had a curry and then done a shit. My baby will basically be doing my university hangover shits for his first few years.

There’s green shit. Like a streak of mushy peas. And then a stream of bad shit. Because we have to grade this stuff. That’s the one with blood in. I don’t understand how they have to tell you this – blood in your shit is bad? No fucking….er shit! If I’m bleeding from my anus the first thing I do is check for haemeroids….actually no, that’s rubbish, I’d be in a cab to the hospital before my anxiety made me follow through. If it comes out of a human I’m meant to be keeping alive – what do you think I’m going to fucking do?

But all is OK. Apparently if you breast feed (cue earth mother propaganda) your babies shit will smell fine.

No. That’s a lie. It’s shit. Shit stinks. It just stinks more when your baby eats garbage.

Oh well. Clip the nails down and don’t buy expensive clothes for a few years.

Here comes the shit.