Keeping your temper
Its hard. You are utterly emasculated – in the sense that you feel that way. Having a child with someone is kind of what masculine behaviour leads to, if you get my drift. But you have very little control, and as a control freak you start to get nervous, anxious even. And following the great green puppets advice – (no, not Kermit!) if anxiety leads to fear, fear will lead to anger, anger leads to hate and then you’re gunna be in a basement somewhere trying to figure out how a lightsaber goes together and ordering a shit load of black clothing online.
On the metro today. The train stops, my wife half out of her seat. There’s a sudden stop and everyone stumbles, her, me, the dickhead who’s trying to ease into her seat before she’s had a chance to get out of it. I turn and all I see is some old dude causing my wife to stumble. Immediately I assume he’s pushed her, and you have a 100KG guy being held back by his pregnant 60KG wife from tearing into a bemused Chinese fella who, even though he’s a rude dickhead who can learn to wait for someone to get up before grabbing a seat has no idea why I am a sneer away from actual violence.
Haven’t felt this hyper in years. I was never a violent guy, but I was an angry guy. When you have so little control over something so precious the anxiety kicks it up a notch and you start to understand why some guys go so over the top when it involves their other half. I’m sure a feminist might think I was identifying my wife as a possession, but I don’t think that’s it. More that I identify my wife as precious, and I want every other fucker to do the same. God help them if they don’t.
But if I become that guy I’m not being the best I can be. I need to keep my head, because when you’re a stranger in a strange land there is no use starting something, no matter how in the right you are. If I go for a Chinese guy, the two hundred other Chinese guys standing nearby will take only one side, and it ain’t gunna be mine.
Back to the meditations I go. ‘Every day I will be beset by idiots….I will not let them get to me, otherwise I’m the one who’s ending up in the shit.’ I’m sure that’s what Marcus Aurelius was saying.
I suppose its also that simple fact. If I yell at these assholes it will make no difference, ever. I cannot change culture, rudeness, lack of courtesy etc by being discourteous. But by god I want to!!!
This expectant father thing is actually fucking nerve wracking – I hadn’t realised until now how nervous I was.