No…..I had no idea either.

So I’m sitting in the doctor’s office with my wife and the words start getting thrown around. There are seriously whole sentences and not one word do I recognise. I start to think I should have read more books, paid more attention, been smarter with the preparation. Maybe I’m in denial and I’ll wake up and it’ll be 1996 again.

But no. So I start to ask questions and then I’m met with words like: dangerous, difficult and transverse.

The images of solid nappies comes back to me and I feel that shift in the gut that tells you proximity to a bathroom will be in your and your trousers’ best interests.

So the little cunt is in an odd position. Which means changes of plan, the wife in pain because he seems to have set up home under her ribs, and me wondering what the fuck is going on. My panic sets in and I’m having nightmares before I’ve even left the office while the missus is as calm as can be. She squeezes my hand and says.

‘It’ll be fine’ and there she’s kind of got it. That tone, that look….she’ll make a great mum.

I feel better already.

But now it looks like it’s 3 weeks to go!

Holy Shit